


as i burn another page

by akechikinnie



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mentioned Ichiryusai Madarame, Mentioned Masayoshi Shido, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29913531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akechikinnie/pseuds/akechikinnie
Summary: i miss you, akechi.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Kitagawa Yusuke, Akechi Goro/Kitagawa Yusuke
Kudos: 8





	as i burn another page

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO WARNING!! this is a fic of akechi literally spiraling out of control. there is a suicide attempt and while its not the most explicit, it still is there. PLEASE do not read if you are triggered by blood, gore, suicide, self harm, things like that. it will seem like im romaticizing this because goro is, in this state, going to romanticize his own suicide. 
> 
> OK ANYWAYS!! hope you cry by the end of my emo shit lmfao

"What?! Are you insane?!"

Yusuke knew Goro was going down. He's been watching it, ever since his dear father was somehow cleared of all suspicions when he'd traumatized so many people so badly. The announcement was another punishing blow to Goro's already bruised mental health, and the words simply dragged the last of life out of him. Now Goro's quiet. His once carefully built frame is closing in on itself from lack of food, his hands are red and his eyes always look so dead. You don't assume you're going to get a ridiculous suggestion like Goro's, though. 

He assumed he'd get some weird requests in the midst of his crisis, but Goro was so openly talking about the prospect of _dying_ that it seemed to rock his boyfriend straight off his feet. He's almost lost him twice, false realities and engine room combined, its numbing to fear the same loss over again, but his love is jumping at it and reaching with such open arms that he can't move. His body is still as Goro lays against his shoulder, peacefully talking about planning his own suicide.

"Hm? Why are you so off put? It's just .. a small loss, Yusuke." With a strange confidence, Goro turns his head as his gentle voice conveys his lack of worry on the idea of dying.

Yusuke fits his arms around his waist just a bit more snugly, reminding his muscles how to work and reminding himself that Goro isn't dead yet. "Small loss? What's gotten into you?"

A low hum comes from Goro. He seems calm, surprisingly calm, so peaceful while the weight of his impending doom is currently casting enough tension for years over the room. Akechi can't even sense the angry atmosphere, he's too busy daydreaming about leaping into a grave. 

"I just .. can't think of going on much anymore, haha. It's sad to go alone though, is it not? Dying alone is so taboo," he lifts to press a kiss to Yusuke's cheek, "and I think if I went, I'd like it to be peaceful and with someone I love."

Kitagawa can't believe his own ears. 

"No," a surprisingly commanding voice of his says, fear lacing his words as he pulls Goro's body closer to his and snuggles into his shoulder. "No. I'm not watching and you're certainly not doing anything to yourself." His hands move, one ghosting under Akechi's shirt to bring him closer against his body, cold skin on warm, a small flash of emotion suddenly being dragged out of him and bringing Yusuke to metaphorical emotional knees. Keep him close, _keep him safe, make sure he doesn't do anything bad to himself, I can't live without him._

"No?" Goro repeated the words, not understanding them, leaning into the tight hug surrounding him but not giving into life just yet. "No dying? But this is my choice, Yusuke, you cant exactly stop-"

"Yes, I can."

Oh. Well that's new. The quiet apartment seems less dark, Yusuke cutting off Goro for the first time ever. He's typically quiet, letting one sentence stop before starting the next, but Goro is spewing such horrible sounds and he can't bear to listen to it much longer. Living hell or not, his muse is his muse, and a muse is nothing if they aren't alive. Memories are never enough to remember perfectly and the genius of Goro Akechi shouldn't succumb to misery so soon. 

No amount of pain will justify ending his life. 

Another hum rumbles from Goro's chest. Purring like a cat, his eyes closed as Yusuke voiced obvious concern. "Can you, now? I suppose there's no reason to watch, then. It wouldn't be nice to watch." Arms looped around Yusuke's neck carefully, looking him in the eyes before resting in the crook of his neck. "I promise I won't make you watch. I just don't understand why you can't allow this."

The artist's hand trails to hold ont of the ones looped around his shoulders, shaking his head. "You cannot die prematurely, my Crow. I need you around."

His words seem to bring some small reaction out of Goro, who brings their foreheads together and presses a fond kiss to the tip of his nose. All of his ginger actions aside, its obvious he's in misery. The man who tormented and ruined his life from the moment he was conceived somehow escaped punishment and now he can walk free and traumatize any woman he wants. Change of heart be damned, he'll never be a perfect person. Goro doesn't want to live in a world with his bastard father as a free man if he can help it. He hoped Yusuke would understand, but he didn't curl up on himself and die when his father figure was given a change of heart, did he?

If you can even call Madarame and Shido father figures.

"Do you? I'm sure-"

"I'm sure I need you around, Goro." Strike two, Yusuke's wondering what's gotten into him to make him interrupt Akechi so many times. Goro hates being interrupted, mind working at 200 miles a minute, yet now he just nods blankly and listens to Yusuke's emotions before calmly ranting about how he doesn't want to exist anymore. "There's no reason to die."

Goro nods bonelessly. Like he'll listen to that.

-

He was just gone for 30 minutes. A quick trip from their shared apartment to pick up food and a few necessities that had run dry with the detective of the house too depressed to leave his bed. 25 minutes too late, though. Another day at home, but time to be alone let his mind wander just too far, walking into the traffic jam Goro knew as his wandering thoughts and all of his rational mind being hit with an emotional train. 

His plan could still work, he can always just make it work. It wont be the picture perfect plan he imagined but nothing ever goes his way. He can settle for a false calm with how he's about to die and he knows it. Goro wanted this to be peaceful, easy to clean up and quiet, so he sets the stage for it and knows how to roll this so he wins.

The bathroom is kept dark, knowing how his head would soon be pounding, and he fills the bathtub he just cleaned with the hottest water he could run. It burns to the touch, fogging the mirrors in the bathroom perfectly. It runs and runs until he knows it will keep him warm, moving to the next step; The weapon.

The razor blades are in the top left cabinet in the mirror which he opens, plucking one out from its orange case and tearing it from its parchment paper prison and tossing it out. Clean and proper, he pushes himself into the burning water with his clothes still on. They're Yusuke's, oh how he's glad to _die_ in something of his and within the hold of his love, bringing him to his last gentle breath and holding him together until he's nothing but mush.

Of course, he remembers why he's fully clothed in a scorching bathtub and begins. He sliced at his skin mindlessly, pushing the blade down until the blood gushes. He doesn't even feel the pain, the blood is so wonderfully triggering and it kills his mind silently before his body gives out. His arms are covered in gushing marks, blood weeping and rushing from every mark he leaves. He hopes his arms are turning blue and cold. Water mixes to pink and brighter to crimson, pouring his blood out for the rest of the world to see.

Yusuke isnt back yet, though. Yusuke is still gone, and Goro wills himself to stay alive. He's dying alone, but he doesn't want to shut his eyes until Yusuke is there. He didn't even leave a note, he completely forgot, so his last wishes will have to come from his own mouth. Just another minute until he's home, he can't die without you, oh Goro is so sorry to be dying so quickly but this life did nothing but hurt and destroy. Maybe they'll be happy in the next one, or maybe Goro's going to be stuck in purgatory for his sins while under his father's manipulation.

The world is blurry. The light barely seeping into the room from the door is making his head pound against his skull uncontrollably, eyes burning and dying while his ears buzz and ring loudly. Everything is bloody, but he wants to stare at his arms. Not that he can; They're too heavy with the energy he's losing, and his eyes are so blinded over that he can't see basic shapes.

He's dying, oh god. Finally he gets to die and Yusuke will be there to watch and comfort him while he dies and can finally be at peace, oh his chest rumbles with joy and he can't help but let out a small cry. So sorry to leave, I'll miss you so dearly Yusuke and I cannot forgive myself for abandoning you in such a cruel world, but he finally can die and leave this petty existence behind for the next person to take up and destroy.

Nothing is more peaceful, until he's finally brought up from under the water by frenzied hands and a crying voice.

"Goro- _Goro!_ What did you do, oh, Goro, please tell me you're still with me-"

_He's here. Hold my hand, please hold my hand, I don't want to die alone Yusuke._

A panicked boyfriend is now calling for help as fast as he can while Akechi finally starts to gather the strength he lost. His mouth feels too heavy to move, so no words leave his mouth while Yusuke is faintly calling for an ambulance. His bloody hand reaches over the side, pulling over to hold Yusuke's free hand while blood continues to gush from the arms and wounds below it. 

Faintly, he can recall that his hand is going pale. Or blue. He can't tell, his eyes are so blurry and gone and the only voice and thing he can recall is Yusuke, just Yusuke, his dying vision is Yusuke and its all he ever wanted and more. A weak grip finally reaches for his boyfriend's hand, cold and dying, and Yusuke pulls away. He cringes. Why is he leaving now of all times?

"Yusuke, ah, please don't go, please .. -"

Numbing fingers reach for his sleeve, trying to pull him back to watch his last moments of life. It seems the artist is trying not to stare at the blood slipping down Akechi's fingers and dying the floor crimson, but he has to turn around with the pulling. To his surprise, Akechi is offering a hand, wanting sweet and gentle comfort while he struggles to keep breathing. 

Both of them are well aware that blood sends Goro into a wonderful spiral of the worst headspace ever, panicking and hyperventilating. Its safe to assume he wanted to die in a haze where he doesn't realize what's going on instead of going aware of his surroundings. If he wasn't near passing out, Goro would be hyperventilating and mid panic attack now. Yet his pulse is dangerously slow, and all he wants is for his love to hold his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere," Yusuke attempts to use to calm him, feeling his hand reach for Yusuke's and finally deciding to hold it. A strange, calm smile meets Goro's face, happy he gets to hold his hand.

Then he lifts his hand up to clasp it between two of his bigger ones, hoping they'd warm. Dying cold cannot be pleasant- He's not dying, no, _no._ He can't go yet. Goro was too beautiful, too strong, too amazing, too perfect to die before turning 20. He cheated death twice already, if he could work another miracle. 

He looks so happy with dying, though. "Thank you, thank you," a gentle whisper tells him, red eyes shutting to conserve energy and hopefully fall into a peaceful rest he'll never wake up from. Eternal rest doesn't greet him, though, Yusuke just can't stop pulling him back up and awake over and over. It's horrible, he wants to die already, but his end wont meet him yet. 

Over and over, the artist wakes the dying detective. "Don't go, Goro, please don't go anywhere. You know I need you, you know I can't go on without my muse to guide me. Stay awake, stay here, I cant keep going without you, I need you alive and you know this!" He's begging a body that is slowly draining with life to fill back with joy, but as more crimson slips from his body, existence flees as well.

" .. Sorry," a muffled grumble comes from the dying, "'m sorry, Yusuke, didn't mean to," he whispers in apology, almost like he's chanting. He needs to be forgiven before he dies, he needs to know its okay to let go. It's so bad, he doesn't want to leave Yusuke without any closure. "- You, love .. you, I love you," he whines, starting to cry. Why is he crying? Why is leaving so hard suddenly?

A bitter laugh leaves Yusuke as he kisses the back of Goro's crimson dripping hand. "Its okay, its okay Akechi, I love you too," he mumbles to him, starting to cry as well. Did he not do enough? Why was Goro struggling to keep living, why was everything so cruel, why did a teenager have to be turned into a murderer before he even knew right from wrong, why was Goro plagued with so much-

"I don't want to die, Yusuke."

Its sudden, it bursts in the loudest whisper Akechi can give him. He sounds so panicked and so worried, regretting this horrible decision instantly now that the reason he kept kicking for so long is back. He'll miss Yusuke, even when he's a corpse. He doesn't want to leave just yet. Fresh tears spring from his eyes as his head thrashes back and forth. 

How do you even comfort someone that just tried to kill themself and suddenly regrets their decision?

Hope, he supposes. He wants Goro to live, so he'll hope on it. 

"You won't, Goro. Just .. shut your eyes, we'll be getting help soon," a crying artist tells the weeping detective. He doesn't know if he's saying that for his own sanity or because he truly believes Goro will make it out. These cuts are so deep, certain ones so close to main arteries that they gush freely with blood and he thinks he's already lost 1/3 of his blood. Its a terrifying thought. Not to mention, the infections if he does survive. His mind swims with stress, if Goro survives he'll be in so much pain ..

So much pain. So much pain. His eyes flow freely with tears and Goro's do too, but he comforts as best as he can. Even while sirens blare outside, he tries to convince Goro that he'll survive and he'll be okay. He will be, he'll survive, right?

-

No one could stop crying at the funeral.


End file.
